A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
