You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
