Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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