I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
