We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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