apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
