I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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