How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
