I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
