I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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