i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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