when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
