I think i sorta joined a cult last night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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