I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
