this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
