Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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