my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she peed on how many people?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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