i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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