dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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