i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
