Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
