you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
