I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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