I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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