my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
