All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
