i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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