Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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