i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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