My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
