My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
