Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
