My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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