It's Friday. Sex?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was like eating out sand paper
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
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OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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