I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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