Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
