she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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