I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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