this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
