even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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