she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
