I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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