so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
