Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
