my vag is so smooth its legendary
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
