I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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