i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need to stop coming to work sober
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
