Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I want her autograph on my taint
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
