I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i think i just lost a toe
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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