Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
