How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
