Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
