did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
