my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
