i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
