Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
