Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
