Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
