my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
