good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's always time for handjobs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM