On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.