I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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