I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
