I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
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