I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
