I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
