Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
